Well hello sailor. In honour of upcoming gay festival PrideLondon, my local cinema has announced it will be screening ’10 Camp Films Everyone Should See’. As the picturehouse is practically next door to a fairly hardline church, I’m waiting to see whether a Father Ted-style protest will break out.
It’ll be a shame if so, because camp films can make for great cinema. The world would be a poorer place without the likes of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Some Like It Hot or Le Cage Aux Folles.
But to my mind, the real joy comes from those films that unintentionally stray into campness.
I’m talking about those movies that, while on the surface look as if they’ll be straighter than a spirit level, inadvertently end up being camper than Dale Winton’s tent.
For my money, here are the top five (unintentionally) campest films that have ever sashayed their way across the silver screen:
5. 300
The heroic sacrifices and military brilliance of the ancient Spartan struggle is reduced to some buff men wandering about in their pants in Zack Snyder’s 300. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind. Just don’t expect your old history teacher to like it (unless they like buff men in pants).
4. The Lord of the Rings trilogy
Stray from the security of Google’s safe search function, and the internet reveals all manner of twisted fantasies that people harbour towards LOTR characters. If you don’t want your vision of Peter Jackson’s films to be forever sullied, you’d be well advised to steer clear of the disturbing number of sites that specialise in hobbit-humping or wizard porn. Still, it’s not that surprising. There are a lot of sexual undertones in LOTR. The whole trilogy revolves around protecting Frodo’s ring (stop sniggering at the back) and Sam seems awfully close to Frodo… you just hope he breaks the news gently to poor old Rosie Cotton.
3. Point Break
This film only contains about 20 minutes of bank robber action. The rest of the movie consists of the following: Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze gazing coyly at one another; Keanu and Patrick chasing each other up and down a beach; Keanu and Patrick going skydiving together; and Keanu and Patrick handcuffing themselves together while frolicking about in the ocean. Prosecution case rests.
2. Pretty much any Schwarzenegger film
During the 80’s, Ah-nuld was regarded by men’s health magazines as being the ultimate embodiment of the male form. The Austrian oak certainly wasn’t shy of flexing his pecs for film roles. In Conan the Barbarian, Schwarzenegger was as much a camp icon as Raquel Welch in 10,000 BC. Then there was Predator, in which Arnold fights a monster whose face looks like a horrific version of a lady’s naughty bits. And let’s face it – as the Terminator, his leather, boots and shades combo is more Village People than ruthless killing machine. But then again, it was the 80s. At least the Terminator didn’t wear a shellsuit.
1. Top Gun
Where do you begin? The whole film is an exercise in homoerotic tension. Of particular note is the beach volleyball sequence (complete with oiled up Navy beefcakes mincing about in full slow mo) that is totally superfluous to the plot. There are also more locker room scenes than are strictly necessary, where some barely supressed flirty towel flicking goes on. The love that dare not speak its name finally comes out (if you’ll forgive the pun) at the end of the movie, when Iceman (Val Kilmer) turns to former arch rival Maverick (Tom Cruise): “You can be my wingman any time,” he simpers. Honestly boys. Get a room!
“So listen, Goose. You. Me. A bottle of Merlot. Two tickets to ‘Les Mis’. Whaddya say?”
Exit This Way 
Very funny stuff